Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Rule of Urinals

It's Open Letter Thursday over at Salt Says... and I've decided to participate. I've been thinking about this one for some time, and it's about time I let it off my chest. Here goes.

Dear Female Coworkers,

Good morning (I feel rude not saying good morning)! Can we chat a second? Great. You see, I have a couple, um, peeves with the ladies' room etiquette going on around here. It's not anything big really. Nothing disgusting or embarrassing. Nothing that I would call my plumber husband about and say "hey, I've got septic system overflow disgustingness beat." But there is just one thing. Okay, two things. But it boils down to one thing. I want y'all to act more like men in the ladies' room.

You see, men know what's up when it comes to using the facilities. Have you ever noticed when you're out with your friends at da club that there's screeching, hollering, and laughing come our lavatory, and silence coming from theirs? I like that. Because, you see, while I care about your son/daughter/grandchild/dog/budding Avon business, I don't want to talk about it while I'm busy. It's awkward. We can talk after, at my cubicle. I have a lovely "Therapy in Session" sign and I can get the aromatherapy going and turn on soothing crashing wave sounds, but I don't want to hear about little Timmy's potty training progress while I'm on the potty myself. It's a simple request really.

My other request is a little more complicated. But don't worry, I have diagrams. Not only do men know to not talk to each other while draining the main vein, they know that you don't crowd your buddies. We have 4 stalls in our ladies' room, 5 if you count the first-class sized handicap stall. So let's stick with 4, since we know it's not really polite to use it if you don't need it. There's no reason why when I walk into an empty restroom and you follow me in 30 seconds later, you choose the stall next to mine. You're in my bubble. Guys know better. Allow me to demonstrate. Here's our bathroom if it belonged to the men in our office:

They have sinks in theirs, right? We'll assume they do. Moving forward, this is a pretty typical restroom. 4 urinals, sinks, and done. Now, let's say that four men, who we'll name 1, 2, 3, and 4 walk into this restroom 30 seconds apart. Can you tell me which urinal each would choose? Think on it a moment.

::jeopardy music::

Got your answer? Now I'll give you mine, aka the correct answer, The Rule of Urinals

Man 1 goes to the farthest urinal from the door. This keeps anyone coming in from spying on his junk. Man 2 goes to the farthest urinal from Man 1 to avoid any weird peering from Man 1. What about Man 3? When he comes in, each of the remaining urinals is equidistant (thanks, trigonometry!) from Man 1 and Man 2. But, Man 3 knows The Rule of Urinals, so he knows that Man 1 was there first and will therefore finish first. So he chooses the urinal closest to Man 1, careful not to peer in either direction. Lastly, Man 4 enters and takes the remaining urinal next to Man 2, staring straight forward the whole time. No looking, no talking, just peeing. It's awesome.

See, men know what's up. I sincerely think we should consider implementing this. We'll all get our space, and keep our chats to our cubicles or other common areas. Agreed? Great!




Salt said...

I think you need to:

A) Copy/paste into a company wide email.
B) Print this out and hang it on the restroom wall.

Beautiful use of diagrams. Luckily at my office the bathrooms are their own single rooms, but everywhere else I have ever worked, I have encountered the same problem. And also...stay off your phone while you pee. So gross.

Anonymous said...

Like Salt, our bathrooms are just single rooms. At my last job, this was big issue. I never understood it either. I mean, why would you want to be right next to someone while they are peeing? It's gross.

MrsCaptKerk said...

At school if I am in the bathroom at the same time as one of my instructors, she talks to me. It makes me so uncomfortable!

I get stagefright :(

Meghan said...

Umm, this letter is AMAZING! I agree - you should post this at work - maybe anonymously??? SO true!

Karen said...

it amazes me what you come up with! The diagram is a nice touch! But here goes. I avoid using the one bathroom at work because there are only two stalls and I hate having a conversation with someone sitting on the pot 4 feet away with only a 2 inch stall separating us. One co-worker always talks and says " is that you Karen?" Yuck! I guess she's knows everybody's shoes.

JMJE said...

Ahh yes, I hate when people try to talk to me over the stall when I'm using the bathroom at work.