Royalty? Hot damn!! Sign me up! I've always wanted to be a queen, especially a pageant queen. Dan doesn't understand my love for the trainwreck that is the TLC show Toddlers and Tiaras and says we absolutely cannot ever enter our daughters in a pageant, but he didn't say anything about me. Loophole!
I immediately took the flyer to my work buddy Michelle to show her. Her face lit up almost as much as mine did. Her cube mate immediately called last year's winner, Peri* to get the deets. We have all sorts of questions, y'all. Like do we have to try out? And is there a swimsuit competition? I'm not wearing a swimsuit, homies. What about a talent? Can being defective and not being able to wink, snap, or whistle be my talent? Alternatively, will they be providing a pool so I can do a synchronized swimming routine chorerographed by my sister? Is there an evening gown portion? I know it's a rodeo, but pageant queens aren't required to ride horses, are they? I mean, I can ride, but that doesn't mean I want to get on a horse in my satin 80's prom gown (because you know that's what I'm gonna wear). Does my wearing a cowboy hat up my chances? Obviously, the 2nd runner up didn't wear one - was that a deciding factor?
Unfortunately, Peri wasn't available, we're waiting on a call back. In the mean time, Michelle and I are practicing our beauty queen wave and brushing up on our current events for the interview portion of the pageant. I'm pretty sure I don't want to say anything stupid and make myself look ridiculous. We've already made appointments at Glamour Shots to get our head shots done with feather boas and hooker makeup. We only have until November to transform ourselves into legit Miss Cliff Garrett Rodeo contestants. This is serious.
I'm going to be a beauty queen, y'all!!
*Peri's last name makes her a color. No joke.
UPDATE: We're completed our list of demands for the dressing room: 2 cases of diet water, 346 blue M&M's, no more and no less than 7.48 ounces of yellow and orange skittles in a 3:2 ratio, and those little sandwiches with the tiny flags on them, at an exactly temperature of 62 degrees. Turkey with no tomato for me, ham with swiss cheese with 4 pickles for Michelle. Also, no looking directly at Michelle and our room must be Navajo white. Of course, no wire hangers!!! That will be all.