Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I better practice my "yeeeehaw!"

I was walking through the office yesterday, mostly minding my own business, when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. It was a flyer with a tiara. Above it was the word 'Wanted!" Funny, I want a tiara! Kinda of. Just for at home, you know. When I'm feeling a little blue. Just to cheer myself up. Anysparkle, what I saw was this:

Royalty? Hot damn!! Sign me up! I've always wanted to be a queen, especially a pageant queen. Dan doesn't understand my love for the trainwreck that is the TLC show Toddlers and Tiaras and says we absolutely cannot ever enter our daughters in a pageant, but he didn't say anything about me. Loophole!

I immediately took the flyer to my work buddy Michelle to show her. Her face lit up almost as much as mine did. Her cube mate immediately called last year's winner, Peri* to get the deets. We have all sorts of questions, y'all. Like do we have to try out? And is there a swimsuit competition? I'm not wearing a swimsuit, homies. What about a talent? Can being defective and not being able to wink, snap, or whistle be my talent? Alternatively, will they be providing a pool so I can do a synchronized swimming routine chorerographed by my sister? Is there an evening gown portion? I know it's a rodeo, but pageant queens aren't required to ride horses, are they? I mean, I can ride, but that doesn't mean I want to get on a horse in my satin 80's prom gown (because you know that's what I'm gonna wear). Does my wearing a cowboy hat up my chances? Obviously, the 2nd runner up didn't wear one - was that a deciding factor?

Unfortunately, Peri wasn't available, we're waiting on a call back. In the mean time, Michelle and I are practicing our beauty queen wave and brushing up on our current events for the interview portion of the pageant. I'm pretty sure I don't want to say anything stupid and make myself look ridiculous. We've already made appointments at Glamour Shots to get our head shots done with feather boas and hooker makeup. We only have until November to transform ourselves into legit Miss Cliff Garrett Rodeo contestants. This is serious.

I'm going to be a beauty queen, y'all!!

*Peri's last name makes her a color. No joke.

UPDATE: We're completed our list of demands for the dressing room: 2 cases of diet water, 346 blue M&M's, no more and no less than 7.48 ounces of yellow and orange skittles in a 3:2 ratio, and those little sandwiches with the tiny flags on them, at an exactly temperature of 62 degrees. Turkey with no tomato for me, ham with swiss cheese with 4 pickles for Michelle. Also, no looking directly at Michelle and our room must be Navajo white. Of course, no wire hangers!!! That will be all.


MrsCaptKerk said...

Well, if you need any tips, I was Little Miss Dairy Queen in my town...well okay 1st runner up, but dammit, I was robbed! That other girl was sleeping with a judge!

Just remember to put vasoline on your teeth! Keeps 'em shiny!

Salt said...

You actually know someone named Peri Winkle? If I were her, I'd punch my parents in the face.

You HAVE TO DO THIS. Seriously this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and you might get a crown which is obviously the best thing ever. I wish I lived there so I could vote for you.

Although I guess the judges do that part, but whatever.

BrownEyedGirlsMom said...

So this is what I have to look forward to when I move to your office - NICE - never a dull moment around there!!

Meghan said...

OMG! This is so amazing! I am so excited for you:) And I love your rider for the dressing room - NO WIRE HAAANNNGGGERS! (In my best Joan Crawford voice)

karen said...

You craack me up Brooke. Did I ever tell you in Jr. school I represented my school at the Livingston County Jr. Miss pageant. I had to have a talent which was really hard to come up so my mother decided I would play and record The dance of the bumble bees (on the piano) and dressed me up as a bumble to dance to the music. What a fiasco. It was absolutely one of the worst days of my life and convinced me to never get up in front of a crowd ever again. That one took me years to get over. Even my boyfriend at the time had a hard time looking me in the face without laughing.

Brooke said...

See, my momma was in pageants! It's my destiny! Mom, that's hilarious, and you definitely never told me that one :)