Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Hosed

There are two reasons I don't wear skirts often. First, I feel bare. I don't like to feel the wind down there. Ever. Second, skirts just don't look right with flats (my shoe of choice) and I look like the love child of a demented ice-skating giraffe and an amature street walker in heels. Basically, I just can't walk like a normal person and I feel like I hooker-walk everywhere. Dan could do a better job looking natural in heels than I can. But this morning I woke up and said "Brooke, I feel like wearing a dress." Gasp. All the girls in the office have been wearing cute tall black boots with skirts and black tights and I want to get in on that action! I can pull that off, right? Sure.

So I put on a dress and pulled out a pair of heels (because I don't have cute tall black boots) Dan chose for me the last time we were anywhere near a shoe display. I love them - he did a great job choosing them. They're cute and comfy and I can actually walk semi-normally in them. I didn't have any black tights or hose though (despite the fact that I used to own over 20 pair when I worked at a steak house in college), so I figured "no problemo, I'll pick some up on my way to work." So I hooker-walked to the car and drove to Walgreens, where I hooker-walked to the hose aisle and picked up two boxes of lovely black sheer control panty reinforced toe panty hose. Sweet. I hooker-walked to the counter to check out and then back to the car and we're on our way to work.

And then it dawned on me. Where the H am I going to put on my chic black hose and transform into the fashionista version of me? Crap. I considered doing it in the car, but no dice. Too hard if you can't stand up - after 2 years of wearing them daily, even I can't manage putting them on in the car. So I decided I would put them on in the lobby bathroom at the office before going upstairs. Perfect. So I parked my car and hooker-walked to the lobby. I slipped into the ladies' room and put on my sweet panty hose. Voila! Tres chic! Straightened the skirt of my dress, poofed the hair a bit, slipped my feet back into my shoes and... shit! My shoes don't fit anymore! They literally shrunk like a size and a half! Now what? I had to get to my desk, so I gracefully (read: barely managed to stay on my feet) ice-skate glided to the door, up the stairs and to my cube. I only stepped out of the damn things twice and made about a million faces at my shoes. Obviously, the only tranforming I did was into a demented-giraffe-amature-street-walking-ice-skate-glider. In a dress.

So I'm sitting in my cube thinking, "how the heck is this going to work all day?" I had to put my lunch in the fridge, so I demented-giraffe-amature-street-walker-ice-skate-glided to the break room, cursing at my feet, and passing at least 5 people on the way, all of whom looked at me like a... well, demented giraffe. On the way back to my cube, I noticed my coworker's box of tissues. A ha! So I grabbed about eleventy billion of them and went to my cube. It took me about 6 tissues, 3 trials, and two trips around the office, but I can now walk. Sort of. And let me tell you, 3 tissues balled up in the toe of each shoe is not comfy. But I did make it down to the caf to grab a bagel, so I'm doing pretty well now. I'm sure everyone who saw me trying to walk got a good kick out of it. My goal now is to stay at my cube and just look pretty. Until I have to hooker-walk to the copy machine, that is.

6 comments:

BrownEyedGirlsMom said...

Love it - wished we worked in the same office! Buy some of those heel inserts at the shoe store and nix the tissues. I wear skirts without hose all the time - it is ok now and not too hookerish!

KingstonsQueen said...

I've worn skirts without hose as well, but I wanted the black tight look. Time to invest in some boots and lose the heels and the tissue.

fumblingtowardsnormalcy said...

You can get some massaging gel insoles. They will make your shoes tighter and your feet will feel fabulous, too!

saltsays said...

Oh no! Hahaha!
This is the reason that I wear flatter shoes about 90% of the time. I wore those heels for my engagement pics and was hooker walking all over the streets of Columbus.

I am sure you looked great even if you were walking like a moron. :)

JMJE said...

Found your blog from some other blogs I read. I wear skirts approximately 4 times per year to work. Mainly b/c I hate hose. I just feel suffocated. And then when I wear hose with high heels I feel like my shoe is going to fly off.

Amanda said...

I don't have any hose and I totally love the chic black hose look. I do have the tall hooker boots (that's what I call them). But this is exactly why!!!!