There are two reasons I don't wear skirts often. First, I feel bare. I don't like to feel the wind down there. Ever. Second, skirts just don't look right with flats (my shoe of choice) and I look like the love child of a demented ice-skating giraffe and an amature street walker in heels. Basically, I just can't walk like a normal person and I feel like I hooker-walk everywhere. Dan could do a better job looking natural in heels than I can. But this morning I woke up and said "Brooke, I feel like wearing a dress." Gasp. All the girls in the office have been wearing cute tall black boots with skirts and black tights and I want to get in on that action! I can pull that off, right? Sure.
So I put on a dress and pulled out a pair of heels (because I don't have cute tall black boots) Dan chose for me the last time we were anywhere near a shoe display. I love them - he did a great job choosing them. They're cute and comfy and I can actually walk semi-normally in them. I didn't have any black tights or hose though (despite the fact that I used to own over 20 pair when I worked at a steak house in college), so I figured "no problemo, I'll pick some up on my way to work." So I hooker-walked to the car and drove to Walgreens, where I hooker-walked to the hose aisle and picked up two boxes of lovely black sheer control panty reinforced toe panty hose. Sweet. I hooker-walked to the counter to check out and then back to the car and we're on our way to work.
And then it dawned on me. Where the H am I going to put on my chic black hose and transform into the fashionista version of me? Crap. I considered doing it in the car, but no dice. Too hard if you can't stand up - after 2 years of wearing them daily, even I can't manage putting them on in the car. So I decided I would put them on in the lobby bathroom at the office before going upstairs. Perfect. So I parked my car and hooker-walked to the lobby. I slipped into the ladies' room and put on my sweet panty hose. Voila! Tres chic! Straightened the skirt of my dress, poofed the hair a bit, slipped my feet back into my shoes and... shit! My shoes don't fit anymore! They literally shrunk like a size and a half! Now what? I had to get to my desk, so I gracefully (read: barely managed to stay on my feet) ice-skate glided to the door, up the stairs and to my cube. I only stepped out of the damn things twice and made about a million faces at my shoes. Obviously, the only tranforming I did was into a demented-giraffe-amature-street-walking-ice-skate-glider. In a dress.
So I'm sitting in my cube thinking, "how the heck is this going to work all day?" I had to put my lunch in the fridge, so I demented-giraffe-amature-street-walker-ice-skate-glided to the break room, cursing at my feet, and passing at least 5 people on the way, all of whom looked at me like a... well, demented giraffe. On the way back to my cube, I noticed my coworker's box of tissues. A ha! So I grabbed about eleventy billion of them and went to my cube. It took me about 6 tissues, 3 trials, and two trips around the office, but I can now walk. Sort of. And let me tell you, 3 tissues balled up in the toe of each shoe is not comfy. But I did make it down to the caf to grab a bagel, so I'm doing pretty well now. I'm sure everyone who saw me trying to walk got a good kick out of it. My goal now is to stay at my cube and just look pretty. Until I have to hooker-walk to the copy machine, that is.