It's that time of year - when Mr. and Mrs. ESPN and all their fellow sports nuts are glued to their TV's and get all serious about their brackets. The U of A ruins a tad of the excitment this year by not making the tournament, but that's alright. We shall all push on. It wouldn't matter though because the Demon Deacons are going to win. How do I know this, you ask? Because of my highly scientific bracket hieracrchy, that's how. I shall show you.
Here's said highly scientific hierachy ranking mascots from low-probability of winning to undefeatable. It's based mainly on how I visualize a fight between the two competitors going down in real life.
Plants and Tree (Stupid.)
Insects (Stinging beats non-stinging)
Birds with no talons
Small animals, no fangs (regardless of color. A golden gopher doesn’t change the fact that it’s a gopher)
Reptiles (venomous beats non venomous. Salmonella carrying turtles don't beat actual venom)
Birds with talons
Humans with no weapons
Animals with fangs (largest animal wins it, colors are the tie-breaker)
Humans with weapons
Forces of nature
Godly and/or satanic creatures
It's far too hard to post my bracket visibly, but feel free to hit up Google for a bracket and follow along. I'll walk you through some of the highlights of my bracket:
Kansas Jayhawks vs. Lehigh Mountainhawks. This is tough. They're both in the same "class." I had to google the mascots themselves, and the Jayhawks were simply more menacing. Mizzou's Tiger Beat Clemson's for the simple fact that Mizzou knows what color tigers are supposed to be.
Ohio Buckeyes vs. UCSB Gauchos. The Gauchos got lucky. A Buckeye tree is about the only thing in the tournament a pair of women's pants had any chance of beating. The match-up between the Owls and the Big Red is going to be exhausting - I imagine it'll be about 8 hours of a barn owl pecking the every-loving crap out of a size XXL red t-shirt.
Murray St. Racers vs. Vanderbilt Commodores. I'm assuming they meant of herd of 80's computers. They beat the Racers since even old-school dial-up can beat a man on foot. They don't stand up to a Miner's pick axe too well, though. Busted screen and microchips everywhere.
The Marquette Golden Eagles vs. the Washington Huskies was a tough call. Dog don't really have huge fangs (like a panther or bear) and would have a hard time pulling an eagle out of the air. I decided that at some point, Huskies are puppies which can be easily carried away by an eagle. Sorry puppies.
Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. Old Dominion Monarchs. A pack of drunken leprechauns can easily defeat a bunch of prissy queens. If all else fails, they can woo them with their lucky charms. We may also be talking about monarch butterflies here, in which case it's an easy victory for the Irish.
Things get tricky when the Duke Blue Devils come up against the Wake Forest Demon Deacons. Both are Godly and/or Satanic creatures. However, Demon Deacons are Godly AND Satanic. This raises a whole lot of questions about the battle between good and evil and religious views and such. Anywho, one could argue that they would cancel each other out, or that Godly creatures will always triumph over evil. I, however, prefer to think that the two could shake hands, call a truce, and unite their powers to defeat Duke's Blue Devils. And it's my bracket, so I call the delusional shots.
So there you have it, Wake Forest will win the 2010 NCAA Men's Basektball tournament.