Why middle school is full of the suck.

I wrote out this post awesomely yesterday and then lost it thanks to the server. I’m peeved. Hopefully I can recreate it

Day O8: Someone who made your life hell or treated you like shit.

Aside from the obvious subject of Day 04, the “person” who made my life most crappy was 85% of the people I went to middle school with. No joke. Middle school experience was awful.

My middle school served four elementary schools: mine, another middle class school like mine, a lower income school that required an hour and 45 minute bus ride to get there, and one of Tucson’s highest income schools. Quite a mix. The kids who went to the high income school - which we’ll call Moneybags Elementary for the purposes of this post - lived in huge houses in the foothills, their parents drove fancy cars, and most of them had stay-at-home moms, if not nannies. Now, don’t get me wrong, these things are all very nice, but there’s a difference between having money and being humble, and having money and feeling the need to show it off. Moneybags Elementary kids were the second kind. My pal Shelly would call them “new money,” like Molly Brown from Titanic.

Anyway, the rest of the school came from more modest neighborhoods. We were taken care of, clothed, and fed, but our parents didn’t necessarily have extra wads of cash for things like Mossimo shirts (remember when Mossimo was cool? Stussy, anyone?) and trips to Telluride. I'm not bitter, it was just a different lifestyle. Neither was better than the other. Unless you were a Moneybags kid, and then the rest of us may as well have lived in gutters and worn trashbags to school and they weren’t going to let us forget it.

In middle school, the only thing anyone wants is to fit in. So for me, not having the things the “cool” kids had was the worst thing possible. Any way in which I was different was instantly detected and used as a weapon against me. I swam synchronized swimming and was teased for smelling like chlorine. I tried to wear make up to fit in and be pretty, but mascara sometimes left me with raccoon eyes, so I was teased for that. My 7th grade math teacher was my swim coach, and although her classroom was my safe haven, I was teased for being teacher’s pet, even though she knew the perils of middle school and made sure to never draw attention to me. Despite my current voluptuosity (rad word, huh?) I was rail thin in middle school, had size 8 feet, frizzy hair, braces, and glasses. Moneybags kids had clear retainers, contact lenses, blowdryers, Vans shoes (instantly negates size of feet), and meat on their bones. They were like a Gap Juniors (if that existed) catalog come to life.

Needless to say, I hated middle school, and not for the reasons you’re supposed to like P.E. showers and boys teasing you because they like you. Those would have been cake walks. I begged my mom to take me out of that school, to home school me or let me go somewhere else. Neither of those were options though. My mom is a saint, and I don’t know how I got through it without her. I can see how the teasing and bullying of middle school would lead kids to things like self-harm, eating disorders, and worse. It’s brutal. On the day of my 8th grade graduation, I remember crying when I saw my parents after the ceremony, in part in sadness in knowing I’d miss the few friends I did have, but mostly in absolutely relief that it was finally fucking over.

I did get reprieve in not going to the high school that my middle school fed into. I instead went to a magnet school that had actual diversity. The Moneybags kids went to their neighborhood high school. I have run into a few of them in the last 13 years and it always makes me uneasy. When I worked retail in college, one of the guys came in. I was helping him find some jeans or something and I mentioned that I recognized him from middle school. He said I didn’t look familiar and asked my name. When I told him, he said, “nope, doesn’t ring a bell.” We had home-room and our core classes together, and we rode the same bus. I could have named every single one of my tormentors, and their faces are ingrained on my grey matter, and he didn’t even recognize me. It hit me that teasing me was just another day at school for those kids.

If I have to be forced to send my kids to middle school (I'd rather send them to a cannibal-inhabited deserted island), I plan to be honest and tell them how difficult it was for me. I want them to know that teasing is hurtful for years afterward. I know that cliques are a natural part of life at that age, and there’s a need to establish pecking order, but hopefully my kids will come out of middle school with less trauma than I had, and hopefully not cause any either.

Meal Plan Monday: 11/15

Here's what's being served up this week:

Monday: Frozen lasagna and salad. Dan picked it up last night but it didn't sound good.

Tuesday: French's fried onion chicken. I never made it on Friday since I went to go "meet" Kat von D

Wednesday: Turkey Shepard's pie. Haven't made this one in a while and the cool weather lately is just perfect for something like this

Thursday: Crock pot chicken, though I'm not sure if I'll use cream of mushroom or try something else. I've got a cake to make, so the less cooking I have to do, the better.

Friday: We'll most likely have leftovers. If not, we may go out, which we haven't done on a Friday in a few weeks.

And Kallay at Kallaydoscope suggested I do a linky for Meal Plan Monday so we can all share ideas and expand our meal repertoire, so let's give it a whirl!

I love them

Day 07: Someone who has made your life worth living for.

First, I hate how this one's worded. Let's get that out there. Maybe I just take things too literally, but I hate when people talk about people and objects as things they "can't live without," in such a dramatic way, and the title of this 30 Days of Truth topic is similar, in my deluded little noggin.

Aside from 2 years' worth of low self esteem and bad days in middle school (was that shit fun for anyone?!) I feel pretty lucky that I've never felt a need to have to seek out something to make life "worth living for." I've never wanted to not be here, and I've never needed a person or thing to remind me that I want to live. Even in those horribly grey days in middle school, I didn't want life to end. I just begged my mom to homeschool me so I'd never have to see any of those soul-crushing ass monsters ever again. So when I answer this question, please keep in mind I'm not taking it in the literal sense.

So now that I've taken all the sappy notions out of this, the people who make "life worth living for" are obviously my husband and my family. I can't imagine my life without any of them. My parents are wonderful and loving people who've done nothing in their children's lifetime but try to make us happy, safe and secure. My sister is just an awesome person, and I love her for the ways in which we're the same and different. And then there's Dan. I can't say enough wonderful things about the man I'm lucky enough to be married to. He'd give me the whole world if he could. Being married to him is fun, comfortable, and happy.

Dan, my mom, my dad, and Megan are the four people in this world that absolutely make my life as wonderful as it is. If you want to make me want to vomit and get all dramatic, then fine: they make my life worth living for.

I'm no longer a creepy stalker fan

Remember when I was in Maryland and I found out Kat von D was doing a book signing 5 minutes away? And we went to see her and my brother-in-law snapped shots over a bookshelf of her with a random fan? Well, I decided to do things right this time and actually went to see Kat for myself at her book tour stop in Phoenix.

My awesome friend and tattooer, Melissa, really wanted to go see her too. On Friday, she went to Barnes & Noble to get our number wristbands that would also be our place in line. It's amazing; they opened at 9 and Mel got there at 10:30, and we were numbers 432 and 433 (we heard that there were over 800 wristbands given out for the 3 hour signing). After work, I headed to the bookstore and got in line.

You can't even see Kat in this photo, but she's waaaaay in the back, near that blue speck past the bald guy's head. Yeah, far away. We waited for 2 hours and then finally found ourselves close to the front of the line. We were very excited.


It's so funny - the whole "meeting Kat" experience was like 5 seconds. I told her it was so cool to meet her, she thanked me for waiting in line. She signed my book, I turned around for a photo, thanked her, and that was it. I wanted to hang out with
her! She's so freaking tall and has such a presence, I feel like a complete cheeseball in this picture.

I've been following Kat on Twitter and already read the book from cover to cover and I have to say that I really like her. She seems very level-headed and sincere. I think she's actually in awe of the fact that she has the fame that she does. She said something in her book that really hit home for me - she commented on how she sometimes catches the rude comments people make under their breath about heavily tattooed people. Comments like "she must be a hooker," "I feel bad for her parents," and other hurtful things. When Dan and I were dating, he went to a customer's house and the old man asked if Dan was married. When Dan said he wasn't, the guy said something along the lines of "I thought not. No one would want to marry you with all that shit on your arms." I remember thinking, "but I want to marry you!" as well as being blown away by the rudeness of a complete stranger. It's been eye opening to be with Dan and hear people's ignorant comments and see them react to his heavily tattooed body. When Kat wrote about this in her book, it really built a connection for me. Even though I'm not the recipient of comments, I still am faced with and affected by people's misconceptions because I love someone who is the target of comments.

Anyway, I like Kat and going to see her was a really fun experience. If nothing else, I also got to spend time with Melissa, which is always fun.

The worst thing possible

Day 06: Something you hope you never have to do

The absolutely worst thing I can think of that anyone would ever have to do is lose a child. Losing anyone you love is awful, but I can't imagine losing a child. I don't have children, so I don't even have an understanding of that sort of love for another person, but I imagine that it's the most incredible thing in the world. To lose that person has to be the most devastating thing. I've read the stories of women who miscarry, deliver still babies, and bury their children, and they always bring me immense sadness. I hope that in my lifetime, I am spared that experience, and I wish for peace for those parents who have to endure life's greatest loss.

Well, I did it

Last night after work, I took a few last pictures of my beautiful wedding dress - my most favorite thing I've ever worn - zipped the garment bag and drove to David's Bridal (cheapest shipping I found) to have my dress shipped off to the Making Memories Breast Cancer Foundation. I took Dan with me because I wasn't sure if I'd get emotional, and I'm glad I did, because I did. As much as I know that donating my dress to a worthy cause was the absolute right thing for me to do, I got teary leaving the store, and leaving my dress behind. Dan grabbed me in a big hug and told me how proud he was of my generosity, and that meant so much to me, because I think he's one of the most generous and selfless people I know. I still get a little lump in my throat thinking about it. The overwhelming support here and on Facebook and the Twitter have been wonderful - thank you for that. It also made me feel good that the consultant at David's Bridal took the organization's info so they could have it on hand for other potential donors.

As much as I like to believe I'm not a sentimental person - and really, I'm usually not - that dress symbolized an amazing day in our lives. I felt beautiful in it, and I had one of the best days of my life wearing it. However, I love knowing that now someone else may have the chance to feel the exact same way about it. Not to mention, the proceeds from its sale will grant final wishes to those battling the fight of their lives. Hopefully someday, no one will have to fight that battle.

In case you're wondering, I decided against having a piece removed from the train. I called a few cleaners and tailors yesterday and it would have been quite pricey for me just to have a 3" strip of fabric. And I decided not to wait until next week because I wanted to just get it done. Like ripping off a band-aid.

Even if you're not wanting to donate your dress, I urge you to check out Making Memories and the Pink Envelope Project. There are a number of ways to contribute, and I truly think that breast cancer awareness and research are worthy of our time and attention.

Belated Meal Plan Monday: 11/8/10

Between vacation and poor meal planning, I haven't done one of these in a few weeks. Here's our meal plan for this wonderful second week of November.

Monday: Mmmmm, pizza. Mrs. ESPN suggested using Pillsbury crusts and it was awesome!

Tuesday: Turkey stuffed peppers. Dan has been iffy on this one lately, so I'm only making dinner portions instead of the lunch & dinner sized batch I usually make. He may have to eat if for dinner, but at least he won't have to endure leftovers. You're welcome, honey

Wednesday: Pot roast. I got an awesome deal at Safeway - only $1.99 a pound!

Thursday: Shredded beef tacos with leftover pot roast. I love reworked meals! And this will be great since I have a pretty involved cupcake order to start on Thursday night.

Friday: French's fried onion chicken and green beans. Dan suggested this one a while back and it was super tasty but I haven't made it in a while.

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I also have some fun news. My wedding dress has been sitting in my closet since our wedding last year. Just sitting. I had wanted to do a trash the dress session, but 1. I grew out of my dress (sad face) and 2. I have my hesitations, and refuse to ruin it if I'm not 100% sure. So I've decided to donate it to Brides Against Breast Cancer, which is affiliated with Making Memories and the Pink Envelope Project. The dress will be sold at a reduced cost, and the proceeds will go to breast cancer research. When I told my mom about it yesterday, she asked if I was ready to part with it, as she sensed hesitation in my voice. It's not so much that I'm not ready to part with it, but I wonder if someday my daughter (hopefully and hypothetically) will ask to see my dress and I won't have it to show her. On the other hand, I can tell her that I gave my dress so that another bride could feel fabulous on her wedding day, and I gave it up for a good cause. I hope she could be proud.

My dress just isn't living up to its full potential and I hope it can make someone else happy. I am considering cutting a 2 inch sliver off the end of the train so I'd have a piece of it, but haven't made up my mind on that yet. Either way, I'm really happy with my decision, and I hope to ship my dress out by the end of next week.

My biggest hope

Day o5: Something you hope to do in your life

There are many things I hope to do, see, and accomplish in my lifetime. I hope to go to Europe, see the Sistine Chapel, breath in the air in Ireland, and maybe someday have a bakery. But there's only one thing I've ever wanted to do in my whole life and that's be a mom. I can't imagine anything more fulfulling and wonderful than having a child with Dan, seeing him being a father, and raising a person to be a respectful, contributing member of society.

There are many things I look forward to in mommyhood. I can't wait until the day I know I'm carrying life inside me, the day that will change our whole world and shift every priority to the health and safe-keeping of that life. I can't wait to feel it move, to choose a name, and to see its tiny face for the first time. To count its fingers and toes and tell Dan "look, she has your nose!" We look forward to bonding with our kids, teaching them to swim, throw a ball, and ride motorcycles (I know, eek, but it's a given). We look forward to watching them go off to school, make best friends, and hopefully enjoy learning as much as we both do. We only hope we can do what everyone hopes to: give our kids everything we had and more.

As the holidays come near, I start to think about all the things I want to do with our kids to celebrate Christmas. I want to make cookies with them, and make the magic of Santa come alive. I want to take them to see lights and play in snow, and sing carols and drink cocoa. I want them to love every memory and tradition we create with them, and instill a spirit of giving and generosity, and show them how to make Christmas merry for others less fortunate.

I hope to someday have a relationship with a daughter like I have with my mom, and hopefully even closer. I hope our kids love their siblings and count each other among their best of friends. Most of all, I just hope we do a good job at being parents, and that - even with the tough times mixed in - we love every last moment.

I just can't wait to be a mom. Hopefully 2011 will be the year my hope comes true.

Someday I'll forgive

I've hesitated writing this 4th day of truth for a while, obviously. Clearly, I'm not doing these things on a daily basis, but taking breaks in between. This one has been on my mind for nearly 2 weeks, as I write and erase and rewrite it in my head. This one is hardest because I can't decide what to say, or how much. I don't want to dirty my happy blog with my past, but the only thing I can possibly think of when I read the description for 30 Days of Truth, Day 04, is this one thing.

Day 04: Something you have to forgive someone for

At some point, I have to forgive my ex-boyfriend. The guy I dated before Dan. The guy who promised I was safe with him. The guy whose drinking habits still make me want to hurl when I hear ice tinkling in a glass. The guy who made me question my self-worth and accused me of being mentality unstable when I told him he wasn't welcome to contact me ever again. The guy who will never recognize or admit that anything was wrong or broken or unhealthy about our relationship.

That's really all I want to say about it. I have things to work through in terms of forgiveness with this person. I'm thankful I'm in a wonderful place in life with a great and understanding husband, but I can't deny that my previous relationship will haunts me now and again. Someday I'll forgive.

Thanks for the love, Charm City!

Holy moly! It's been a long and fun 8 days since I last posted. Our vacation was awesome! We got to sleep in on Wednesday before packing and heading to the airport. We were delayed over an hour but the flight was short, putting us into BWI just in time to find that every bar and restaurant in the state had just closed.

On Thursday, we slept in - no surprise. Not purposely, but just because their 11am is our 8am. Oops. My sister-in-law-to-be, Alex, had to work, so Dan, my brother-in-law, David, and I ventured out to get a few things at Target and for lunch at a brewery. Thanks to The Twitter, I learned that my tattooed girl crush, Kat von D, was at Barnes & Noble in their town. That day. So needless to say, we went to see her. Sort of. I'm a big fan, but apparently not a big enough fan to actually stand in line to have her book (which I'm also not a big enough fan to have bought yet) signed. So my wonderful BIL, David, took pictures over the bookshelves for me. Here's Kat with a random fan, which I invite you to pretend for a moment is me:

After "meeting" Kat, we had lunch at this cute brewery in Ellicott City. The whole town was cute and the the trees are just gorgeous. It's not often - or ever, really - that we get to experience fall, so it was really cool to walk along and see leaves falling all around us. We spent the rest of the day hanging out and then went out for dinner.

Friday night was the big meet-up with Salt! I was wicked excited, people! She came over to David and Alex's and then I got to ride in her itty bitty smart car to the restaurant. She's so much fun. She's funny, sweet, charming, and nice touch of silly. It was awesome to finally get to meet her. Another knottie, who's pregnant with twins, met up with us as well.

On Saturday, we got up bright and early for our trip to the aquarium. The National Aquarium in Baltimore is really incredible, and I highly recommend it. David and Alex treated us to the whole experience, including the dolphin show and the 4D movie experience.

After a late lunch (mmmmm, craaaab cakes!) we went to find my other favorite celebrity, Chef Jeffrey Adam "Duff" Goldman at Charm City Cakes.

We went to the bar, Dizzy Izzie's, across the street so we could observe for a bit. While we were there, not less than 5 other geeky tourists got their picture taken in front of the building. We even saw the delivery guy load a cake for a delivery. Dan, David and Alex were not impressed.

Dan noticed that the bar had a sign stating they sell Charm City Cakes shirts, and he knew I'd want one. So I nervously (and maybe tipsilly, after 2 drinks) walked up to the bartender and asked for a "Charm Shitty Cakes shirt." Doh!! I got one though!

Sunday, we went for a walk in this beautiful park near David and Alex's home. Afterward, I got myself a good solid pre-flight nap. I should have known then I was starting to not feel so hot. The flight home was loooong. Dan and I thought we'd be smart and go to the very back of the plane and hope no one sat with us. Just our luck, the flight was completely full and I ended up crammed between a rather large woman on one side and Dan (who's not a small person either) for 5 and a half hours.

All in all, the trip was amazing and much-needed. We missed our pups and were happy to have them back home Monday night. Much thanks to my parents for the trip (graduation gift), to David and Alex for the hospitality, and to Salt for a fun night out. I'm back to the grind and not feeling so hot.