Friday, October 22, 2010

The Bit Swisher

Through complete random awesomeness today, The Twitter gave me a gift: a reminder of something absolutely and incredibly hilarious. Because laughter is meant to be shared, I present to you the story of The Bit Swisher.

Back when I was in college, I was in a business fraternity. Yes, I, a girl was in a business fraternity. Co-ed of course. I met some of my most awesome friends through my involvement. I also met some serious characters, one of whom was named C. He was all sorts of special, but very sweet. And smart, funny, and giving. We met and clicked mentally, but I was never very physically attracted to him. As sweet as he was, I honestly wanted to be. He'd have been a great boyfriend. But he came on faaaar too strong. Like, he bought me an iPod and had engraved on it, "The sweetest song I ever heard was your voice." Yeah, cheese. He made the mistake of introducing me to a friend and the friend and I started dating. C was understandably upset and we didn't talk for a while.

When my last relationship before Dan was unraveling, C and I reconnected after commenting on a friend's wall for his birthday. Ah, how social networking makes the world turn. It was totally friendly "hey how've you been?" stuff. However, after my relationship ended, we started talking more and more about our lives and other things. We started to feel mentally and emotionally connected again. He was a genuinely good guy. We decided he was going to come visit for a weekend and see if we clicked as well in person as we did on the phone and via email. I told him I was fine with him visiting and spending the weekend together, but I wasn't okay with him staying with me, and he said okay. He made plans to stay at his uncle's vacation home and we set a weekend agenda.

The night he flew in, we went for dinner and hung out and talked. It was really nice to see him again, but I just didn't get a physical spark with him. I decided pretty early on that even though we would have a fun weekend, we wouldn't carry on more than a friendship after Sunday. I dropped him off at his uncle's and said good night and drove home. He seemed bummed but I wasn't about to lead him on when I felt so lukewarm. I was, however, open to the possibility that the rest of the weekend would blow me away - it just remained to be seen.

The next day, we planned to go to Sedona for the day and do a Pink Jeep tour. On my way to his uncle's house, I texted him for his Starbucks order and stopped to get coffee. He answered back, "I'm going to go for a swim. I'll leave the door open." Sure, okay, whatever. So I get to the house and walk in with camera bag in one hand, lattes and muffins in the other and walk out onto the patio. I stopped dead in my tracks.

He was butt-ass naked, people. Completely naked. Swimming around. Naked. When he was expecting me to be coming in any minute. And then he got out like it was nothing and started to walk toward me (sans towel) for a hug before he realized how much I was freaked out. I just thought it was so weird. I mean really!? A girl is coming with coffee and you're going to greet her with your naked jollies hanging out? Who.does.that?! As it turned out, he didn't even bring any swim trunks, so it wasn't like it was a mistake. I asked him what he would have done if I'd wanted to go swimming at some point during the weekend and he seemed to think that him being naked was a perfectly acceptable situation. Naked. Ugh.

Needless to say, any glimmer of hope for anything amorous between us was completely gone as far as I was concerned. I seriously considered cancelling the day's plans, I was so weirded out. But I sacked up and we went to Sedona. Can you say awwwkward? Eventually the weekend was over and he went back home. I felt relief, unfortunately, which made me feel really bad. When I told me awesome friend Rachel about it, she just about died laughing. In describing the situation, I told her that he was just all nonchalantly swimming around with his man bits swishing in the pool. Always one for nicknames (Rachel and I call each other Nerd), she dubbed him The Bit Swisher.

Not surprisingly, we had a major falling out not long after. It's a little hard to be friends with someone when they try to hug you with their junk out. Not to mention, I met Dan and well, we got married and stuff. But today, the #FF (for you Tweetheads) of a mutual followee brought him up on my Blackberry screen. Life is just plain random sometimes.

Moral of the story, boys out there: wear swimming attire.


Shana said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...the bit swisher. That's fabulous. I can't comment further because I'm laughing too hard.

Amanda said...

Who does that? NOBODY does that. That's the fastest way of getting on someone's wrong side!! Do you watch How I Met Your Mother? They had a whole epi about this. The theory was if a person just gets butt naked on a date, the chances are good the clothed person will sleep with the naked person. Like a 1 in 3 chance, and it has to be a last ditch effort. Hilarious!