Thursday, June 9, 2011

Never had a chance

I'm not even in a state to sugar coat this, so here it goes. I got some bad test results today. I found out that I'm highly deficient (as in 20% of the optimal unmedicated level) in the hormone that's responsible for supporting early pregnancy. Symptoms I've experienced support the results. Basically, even if we'd managed to achieve conception, my body was not going to support the embryo to result in a successful pregnancy.

Today was rough. I got a message from the doctor's office that my results came back "normal." However, upon actually receiving the results, my heart sank. I knew what the "goal" number was, and I was waaaay below. I called back to leave a message that I disagreed with the "normal" assessment, only to be told that my doctor signed off on it and reiterated her opinion that my levels were fine. Um. No. Not acceptable, and I knew I didn't agree with her analysis. Upon walking in the door at home and seeing my sweet husband, I burst into tears and let open the flood gates I'd been holding in all day.

This is a fixable issue, I should say that I'm thankful for that. I am. But there is still mourning. I mourn the carefree thinking that we would just easily have a baby. I mourn the element of surprise for me, for Dan, for our parents. I mourn for the thought that there may have been babies that never had a chance. That's the worst. That's what causes the big fat tears in the steaming hot shower. I know we had to go through the last year of trying to be able to get here to get this information, but it feels like a year wasted. A year of chances that never were.

So what's the next step? We have more testing to do, for both of us. At my appointment with the specialist in July, I'll likely be given supplements of the deficient hormone, and possibly other fertility drugs to correct the issue. Like I said, this is fixable. I know it could be far worse. I'm hoping this is the only issue, though I know that the remaining tests could raise other issues. But we'll deal with them. I debated whether to wish for no issues or for something we could point a finger at. Well, we got something to point a finger at. Now we have to resolve it. Hopefully, I respond well to the supplements and we get that chance we need. In the meantime, it's just me and him.

6 comments:

Kathy4678 said...

I 100% understand. Sending you big ehugs.

BrownEyedGirlsMom said...

I read it anyway!! Just keep trying to remember it is fixable!! If you ever need to cry - I am two cubes down buddy!

Shana said...

I wish I had some brilliant words of wisdom to make you feel better. But I don't. I'm glad that you are so well informed and that you know enough to disagree with the doctor's assessment because so many women don't. And I'm glad it's a fixable issue. I hope the rest of the testing goes smoothly. Hugs to you.

Temerity Jane said...

I am sorry to hear about your test results but glad to hear the issue can be addressed. I'm also sorry your doctor wouldn't address your concerns, or at least speak to you in person about them. I am so aggravated on your behalf!

LE Bean said...

I want to say I know exactly how you feel because I'm in a very similar boat, but I'm only pretty sure that I know sort of how you feel and it's sucky... hopeful, but sucky and frustrating to think of all the things you wish you knew before so you could change things and get that time back and... yeah... my thoughts are with you. It's the good kind of bad news, but still...

hydrogeek said...

I came over from Temerity Jane, and just wanted to say I'm so sorry. I was in this same boat about 5-6 years ago, and it is SUCH a blow to find something out like this. If you want to hear any gory details or happy endings, just email. Hope your visit with the specialist goes perfectly.