It's time for another fun-filled episode of my new favorite show, Outrageous Kid Parties, where moms lie to dads, budgets are blown, and ridiculous is captured in birthday party form for all the world to see. I actually watched last week's episode too, but Blogger ate my recap when I pushed the "Publish" button. As my husband would say, "son of a..."
So anyway, this week features the Rock Star Party of 8-year-old Aniston. Aniston is the youngest of 3 children (one of whom is 18 and not in the house) and the only girl. As such, she's one spoiled little monster. She has a brother who is about 10 who really thinks highly of her, calling her "the most annoying person on the planet" and "spoiled brat." Ah, brotherly love. The best part of Aniston, aside for her affinity for getting her way, is her speech impediment. Aniston loves to tell everyone she's having a "wock staw pawty!" See, adorable. Now before you get all up on me for making fun of a kid, relax. The people on TV aren't real, and if they were, they can't hear me. So we're good. Aniston's mom, Cindy, admits she spoils the every-loving piss out of her only daughter. Aniston's dad travels for work and spends all his quality time with his family via Skype, leaving his wallet in the treacherous hands of his wife and daughter.
First, Aniston and Mom meet with the party planner for my favorite part, the budget discussion. Aniston wants a roller coaster, a Hummer limo, a red carpet, spinning lights, paparazzi and a fake tattoo artist. Seriously, they're going to pay someone to put stickers on the party guests. Oy. The party planner gives Mom the estimate: $10,000. Hmmmm. Mom seems to know this is way out of the budget. Dad's sure to be unhappy. But Aniston wants a Wock Staw Pawty so what choice does she have? Brother tells the camera that his last party was "like, $100" and Aniston gets this huge bash. Poor Brother. I have a feeling we're going to see him on an episode of Maury someday. Or Intervention. And at his intervention, everyone's letter will read "your addiction has affected Aniston's life negatively in the following ways..."
After meeting with the party planner, Mom feels she needs to unwind. What better way to do that than with her friends and a glass of wine? She says she needs to just chill and have the support of her friends. When Mom tells her friends the cost of Aniston's Wock Staw Pawty and how many people are going to be invited, they practically shoot wine out their noses from laughing so hard. Thank goodness these ladies have some sense about them. Not that Mom is going to listen, but at least someone stopped blowing smoke up her ass.
Oh, by the way, everywhere Aniston goes the entire episode, she struts. Like on a catwalk. It's kinda weird.
Aniston and her mom strut their way to a local bakery to pick out a cake. And not just any cake. A ridiculous spinning monstrosity with a $2,500 price tag. Mom says she knows she shouldn't be spending that much but "Aniston wants it so I have to get it for her." Ugh. Mom talks about how all she wanted to be as a little girl is a rock star, and she's going to turn her kid into one. Apparently, she's not concerned about turning her kid into an entitled little witch, but hey. Priorities. After the cake tasting, Aniston goes to a studio for a lesson to really learn how to work the catwalk. It's ridiculous. Tyra would not be pleased. I see no smising, her rhythm is off, and what is she doing with those arms? She looks like a drunk T-Rex. Brother, ever the sensible one, exclaims that this is all ridiculous. So he gets up and does the best ever impersonation of his sister's catwalk. Hilarious. At this point, Dan walked in from cleaning my car (swoon, he luffs me) and smacked his forehead before proceeding to the kitchen for a beer. This show should come with free beer for all viewers. Note to TLC.
Houston, we have a problem. The homeowners association is not happy. They even called Dad on The Road and told him about potential fines. He Skypes Mom to ask what's going on and she plays dumb. Just then, Aniston and her brother come shrieking (literally, these kids are so loud) into the room. Brother screams into the Skype camera that his mom is spending a ton of money. Aniston is talking about her Hummer limo for the Wock Staw Pawty. Dad's all "well, maybe I should come home and see what's going on?" Ya think? Mom brushes it off and hurriedly hangs up. A little later, Mom is talking to the HOA lady about the party. The HOA is going to put the "cab-osh" on this party. Mom asks what would happen if they do it anyway. Answer: they could get evicted. Uh oh. So Mom runs to her best friend, who offers to throw the party at her house. Only issue, Mom doesn't exactly tell her everything she's got planned. Trouble be brewing.
It's Wock Staw Pawty Day!! Aniston has a rock star make over: makeup, hair, facial, fake tattoo, nails, the whole shebang, to the tune of.... $1,500. ::record scratch:: Fifteen hundred dollars? My whole bridal party got hair and makeup done for like a third of that. And also, she's 8! That's not even a Benjamin for every year of her life. Not to mention, I've never even had a facial. I'm sure it did wondres for her - she probably doesn't look a day over 7 and a half. Why not Botox? Yeeeesh. And all they did is put brightly colored doll hair in her ponytail (which Clover barked at). She looks like a giant Bratz doll, which is very fitting. Birthday Brat strutted her way to her limo, threatening that anyone who got in her way couldn't ride in it to the Wock Staw Pawty.
Aniston is greeted by screaming friends, a ferris wheel, blow up bounce houses, and a father who doesn't look too pleased about all this. Hey Dad, maybe it's time to retire from The Road and do the parenting thing from the house instead of via Skype? Aniston does a performance that made my ears bleed and the night ended with fireworks. I don't even remember what she got for her birthday because really, it's probably insane and I've frankly tuned out. Final Wock Staw Pawty pwice tag: $29,800.
Honestly, this episode is both hilarious and sad. I feel really awful for the brother, who obviosly is on the wrong end up some pretty ridiculous favoritism from his mom. I know I joked about him being on Intervention, but honestly, I could see it. At the very least, I'm sure he'll need some therapy down the road. And Aniston? What a piece of work she's gonna be. You have to tell your kids "no" now and then. They'll live. No child ever literally died because they didn't get their way. Look, I can understand wanting a kid and wanting to give them everything, but at what cost? This mother is raising a holy terror who is unlikely to be able to handle the adversities in life without turning to destructive behaviors. Come to think of it, that's like a lot of rock stars, so maybe this really is a perfect fit. Gosh darn it, I got all thoughtful and stuff.