I did something good for myself yesterday. Almost 4 months to the day after finding out about the major cause of our infertility, I went and talked to a counselor. The last four months have been up and down. The initial news was really hard, and the first couple weeks were very painful. Now, like with any other grief, the pain is beginning to subside and the sharp pains come with longer and longer intervals in between, and we're sorting out what we're going to do. There have been even more developments that I'm going to keep private, but I can tell you that they make our chances even more slim.
And so, considering the fact that we are truly grieving a loss, I decided to talk to someone. I found a great counselor and sat down with her yesterday and blabbed on and on about our fears, my confessions, the stumbling blocks, the day-to-day stuff and how our lives are affected by infertility. I cried my eyes out, I laughed, I listened. I learned that it's okay to feel how I feel, because there is no wrong way to feel. The counselor was amazing. She's dealt with other couples struggling with IF, so she's familiar with the things we go through. She listened sympathetically as I got angry about people expressing to me frequently how I just need to do this or try that. She complimented me on how I care for my husband, shielding him and emphasizing how we are a unit in this. It felt really good to have someone sense the strength of our relationship through just an hour of conversation.
I'm glad I did something good for myself. It's not easy to say, "I may not be able to deal with this alone." I often have thoughts that things aren't that bad, relatively speaking, and I have nothing to be upset about compared to ladies who've been through 5 rounds of IVF and still don't have a baby. It was good to hear that I don't have to suffer a certain amount to be worthy of that care. It's also not easy to have to tell a stranger - though a very kind and comforting one - very intimate details in order to convey the gravity of our situation. But I feel so much better having gotten it off my chest and starting the process of working through the losses we've experienced and those we'll continue to endure as we figure out which way is up.