Coming clean

I've been quiet lately. Here mostly, but also somewhat in real life. It's not that nothing has happened. On the contrary, my sister got married, we finally got our dog door, and my in-laws decided unannounced visits are fun (they're not). But I have something bigger on my mind, and when that happens, I am often unable to let other thoughts out because I feel like the other thoughts are tainted with the big thought. And I think if I can get the big thought out and off my chest, I can get back to the other thoughts. So bear with me.

I've mentioned before that Dan and I want to start our family. I've also vented my frustrations with comments and misconceptions. But what's bigger than the fact that we're trying to conceive is when that journey began. We recently hit our year mark. On April 12th, to be exact. On that day, after trying for a year and being under the age of 35, I - or rather we - joined a new rank. On that day, my chances of conceiving in any perfectly timed cycle dropped from 20% to only 13%. On that day, I became eligible to begin testing for infertility. I held out hope, having witnessed the unexpected joy of Cycle 12 pregnancies, but a mere week later, I learned for the 11th time in a row that I was not pregnant.

April 12, 2011 loomed over my head for a few weeks. It's been a difficult thing to face. I've had some bad days over it. My mentality has changed a lot since last year. I started out pretty happy-go-lucky, figuring Dan and I would be parents in no time. I bought Taking Charge of Your Fertility and read it from cover to cover. Armed with my thermometer to chart and track my cycles, I was excited not only to be a mom but to learn about my body, something I'd actually been afraid of since hitting puberty. I was liberated, for lack of a better word.

Cycle after cycle went on. At first, I got anxious about it not working. Then I realized, especially after my high blood pressure reading, that I had to chill, both for me and for my hope for a baby. I don't necessarily believe that my baby-wanting caused high blood pressure, given family health history, but it certainly wouldn't help. I relaxed on the charting and temping, and focused more on just trying to have decent timing and rolling with the punches. Almost thankfully, we also avoided pregnancies for 2 cycles in the year - once so I wouldn't be due around my sister's wedding, and again for my friend Rachel's wedding, both for which I was/am the maid of honor. Those avoiding cycles also contributed to calming my nerves. They gave us both a break and renewed our spirits.

Now I know what you might be thinking. I didn't have a full year of TTC. True. But we had 10 cycles with good timing. That's more than some ladies get. Statistically, we should have gotten lucky in 10 cycles. By the numbers, 50% of couples conceive in 6 months, and 80% in a year. So we're somewhere in the 75% figure with 10 cycles. We've gone from "this is taking time" to "we may need help."

And so, I made an appointment for the end of May. I wasn't going to. Not for a little while, maybe not until July. But that last cycle with no results hit me harder than anticipated. I'm wasting time if I don't. If something is wrong, waiting until July just wastes more time. I'm not gonna lie. I'm scared. I'm worried something is wrong, but it's worth it to me - and to Dan, who's so so supportive, I can't tell you how lucky I am - to find out what, if anything, we're dealing with. Maybe we just haven't gotten lucky yet. I'm willing to deal with that. But if something is not right and we can fix it, I want to.

It's hard to say we might have an issue with infertility. Even until now, I kept saying "maybe we just haven't gotten lucky yet." But infertility is defined as failure to conceive within 12 months with careful timing. I qualify, no matter how you dice it. It isn't a label I want to pick up. This isn't about wanting sympathy or attention. This is National Infertility Awareness Week, and in my circle of blog and Twitter and Facebook and Bump friends, there are posts loaded with encouragement and information everywhere. I'm the newbie to all this. There are ladies who've been poked and prodded and injected for years in their pursuit to have a baby. I don't want to go through that, but I may have to. Only time and testing will tell. And in the spirit of getting the word out, and bringing to light the fact that infertility can affect any couple, I'm coming clean.

I also just want to take a moment to thank the very supportive people in my life. There are some of you who've offered advice and knowledge, and I can't thank you enough. There are others who've lent ears and shoulders, and I appreciate that so much, too. I count my lucky stars for the incredible people I have in my life.

My little sister got married!

This past weekend was my beautiful sister's wedding day. She looked absolutely gorgeous, and we celebrated with a beautifully planned party. I'm so happy for her and my new brother-in-law, Daniel.

Check out the happy couple (sorry for the Blackberry photos, it's how I roll) taking it all in at the reception.

I wish you could see her whole dress - it's absolutely stunning.

And my labor of love: their cupcake display and cutting cake. Megan and Daniel chose red velvet, chocolate peanut butter, lemon, Oreo, and maple bacon for the flavors, and they were all a hit. My dad and Dan ended up setting up the display and they did a great job making sure it looked just right. Congrats, Megan and Daniel! Wishing you a lifetime of sweet moments!

Why I'm content spending $2.35 on toothpaste

Ugh, sorry for the wall of text. Blogger hates me today and doesn't give a darn about the spacing I've tried to insert. Last night was the series premier of a new reality TV show, Extreme Couponing (cue Dan leaving the house). I've actually been looking forward to this one. Who wouldn't, when the previews included sound clips such as "that's basically 99% savings." I mean, who doesn't want to save money? There were two episodes on last night, and while I'm not going to recap them, I'll bless you all with my thoughts and some highlights. All of the 4 women whose stories were featured in the two episodes have large areas of their home dedicated to food and product storage. There were blurbs all over Twitter and Facebook about how Extreme Couponing should have been named Hoarders: The Beginning. A couple of the ladies had either a huge basement or pantry for all their goods. But two families had to stock their stashes all over the house. In one, the mother of 7 children (whom she referred to as her litter) had some 1,400 rolls of toilet paper under her 2-year-old's bed, and "he doesn't even know!" Soup was stashed in the kids' playroom. Another mom of six had 75 boxes of cereal in her master bedroom closet, which she called her favorite room in the house. She even said her stock pile was almost as beautiful as her family. Bascially, all these people had amassed enough stuff to keep their families alive in the event of the zombie apocalypse, or for 3 years, whichever comes first. And how can they afford all this, because we know 75 boxes of cereal alone is worth more than many household food budgets? Well, couponing of course. Some of the ladies are able to be stay-at-home moms thanks to their efforts, but couponing is a full time job. They get anywhere from 3 to 12 Sunday papers a week to collect coupons. Then they make massive grocery shopping trips. Everything is organized down to the penny. In many stores, there are policies that necessitate multiple check-outs. One woman had to split her load into eighteen separate transactions to maximize her coupon potential. One couple bought all the same products but checked out separately to double the savings because the store's policy only allowed the doubling of one coupon. For the same reason, another couple had to call 5 friends to come to the store to stand in so they could beat the store's policy. I mean, this is serious effort and planning. All that planning pays off, though. The women featured saved anywhere from 91 to 99% on their groceries. Some were even paid to take stuff out of the store when coupons resulted in a negative balance on some items. They got free toilet paper, vitamins, cereal, and paper towels. Granted, it took some of them two hours just to check out, but it is definitely well worth it when you can say you walked out of the grocery store with $1,900 (OMG) worth of stuff for $103. Yeah, jaw dropping. Now, my issues. First, there's one thing they don't tell you or show you on this show, and it's something I know because I work with some serious couponers. Most of these ladies probably pay a service to keep track of what coupons are resulting in big savings. The taping showed them picking up their papers, circling deals, clipping coupons, and la-de-da-ing off to the store. Not so much. Coupons and deals at the store generally don't coincide. So there are services (or you could do it yourself if you are insane) that keep track of which coupons were issued and when and instruct you on how to organize them. You may have to hold onto them for a month before you can get your best benefit out of them. Some of them will expire. I know people who keep from 2,000 to 3,500 coupons on hand. Then, when the weekly circulars come out, the service alerts you to deals and points you in the direction of the stash where the helpful coupon should be for you to use. It's not as cut and dry as "clip and shop." It takes serious effort and organization, which I don't have. Also, as I mentioned, these ladies are using multiple transactions. I mean, they had spreadsheets of the order that things had to be rung up in order to not miss any savings opportunities. One extra can of corn in a transaction and they'd ::gasp:: pay full price. There's no way in hell I'm going to sort out exactly how to split up orders into 7 or 13 or 18 chunks. I'm just not. I'd personally be embarrassed to ask a cashier to go through all this song and dance. Second, I get that spending less than $10 on a year's supply of stuff for a whole household must be exhilarating, but what are you going to do with it all? I'm not spending my life living among groceries and convincing my kids that cans of soup are appropriate playroom decor. "Hey mom and dad, just pull up a seat on our paper towel chair! They were free!" No. Just, no. Granted, I realize I wouldn't have to hoard as much stuff. But at this point in my life, I just don't find it necessary to have 120,000 sheets of toilet paper on hand at all times. Also, I'm not judging what people feed their families, and I'm the first to admit we eat junk sometimes. But from what I've seen in what they're buying, it's a LOT of processed foods. Boxed cereal, while delicious, isn't what I'd consider the most healthy thing. And they're not buying Kaashi. They're buying Pops and Trix. Sugary stuff. There's also a ton of crackers, sodium-laden soups, hot dogs, etc. I didn't see any fresh produce in any of the carts. I try my hardest to avoid purchases of processed foods. Most of what goes in my cart is fresh meat, veggies, and dairy. I buy Dan crackers here and there, and I keep soup on hand for Crock Pot chicken, but most of what I buy has to be baked, grilled, broiled, roasted, or steamed from it's raw state. Like I said, I'm not saying we always eat the best food, but I don't see the point in saving 95% on processed foods when I try so very hard to make us the freshest meals possible. And I know this could change when we have kids, too. I understand the value in convenient food. Just for now, couponing to fill my shelves with boxes and cans isn't my style. It's definitely all fascinating though. There's a part of me that's jealous of the fact that what they spend on a year's worth of groceries is what I spend on a week's supply of Chobani yogurt (I may be exaggerating). But there's a trade-off, as there is with any choice in life. I'll keep my sanity and pay full price for toothpaste for now. What say you? Did you watch the show? Do you engage in extreme couponing? Non-extreme? Are you content like me to just pay what things cost? How do you save?

Gimme gimme!

Since buying our house, I've obviously been thinking a lot about how to decorate and such. Not to mention, my 30th birthday is in 3 months and 3 days, so I've been on the prowl for ideas for Dan. Some of the things that I've found and love are things worth sharing with you all, so that you may enjoy the prettiness, too.

First off, I'm in need of some furniture. The way our living room space is set up lends itself perfectly to add a couple of cute and comfy chairs near the bay window. I found this that I love at Target.

Super cute, right? Well, I was reading the reviews, and 2 people said that the brown on the upholstery is so dark that it looks black. Black just doesn't work with the tones in our living room, so I went back to looking and found this beauty:

Love it! Two of these puppies would fill the bay window area perfectly, and make a nice seating area that melds nicely into the area with the couch as well as providing a cozy spot by the fireplace. I instantly emailed the link to Dan and pretty much haven't shut up about them since. I'll break him one way or another. I might just have to send him another email from the chairs themselves. Subject line: "hey, don't forget about us!"

Next, I went Etsy shopping for some cool art. I want to eventually do a gallery wall in our hallway, and currently the only things we really have in frames are pictures from our wedding. We'll soon have pics from our recent photo session, but I like the look of mixing in some non-personal items as well, to make it feel like less of a shrine. So I bought these from Etsy seller Letter Chef.








Now, I have to be honest. My intent was to find stuff for the gallery wall, but I got a tad sidetracked. You see, I love monograms. I think I may have been born in the wrong part of the country, because there are some "southern" things that I just die for, like monograms and giant bows on baby noggins. Dan, on the other hand, doesn't hate monograms, but they're not his favorite either. If I had my way, we'd have BKD and K's everywhere (though you have to be careful about putting too many K's too close together). No so much for Dan. So since it's apparently been decided that the master bath is mine, I get to decorate how I want, and a giant monogram it is. They'll be framed separately in white (I think) frames and go on my bathroom wall opposite the giant mirror. Best part, they're pretty much out of sight, out of mind for Dan. These babies are mine, all mine.

Lastly, I was looking at Facebook, and one of my fellow Knotties has been posting pictures of her handmade cards. Now, if I tried to make handmade cards, things would be messy. But Jennifer's cards are gorgeous, and I just love her sixth sense for detail and choice of materials. They make card giving really feel special. Check out her blog posts about them. I just love the bicycle and bunting card. Too cute. Jennifer doesn't currently have an Etsy shop, but if you're lusting after these as much as I am, you can contact her at vogtdesignco@gmail.com

So, those are the things I'm loving so much lately.: cute square slipper chairs, alphabet photography monograms, and some super sweet cards. What are you wanting all for yourself?

My new kitchen!

This was one of the fastest and busiest weekends in a long time. Right away when Dan got home, he got to work cutting the last of the tile pieces for the counter top. Saturday morning, we were up early to do the grout and install the appliances. Dan worked on it until about 4pm when my in-law's and his aunts arrived for dinner (along with my mom, yay!). And just as soon as the dishwasher was up and running, the ladies swooped in to put away all the stuff that had been waiting to for the kitchen to be finished to find its home. In all honesty, I wanted to be the one to put my kitchen away. I'm generally not a fan of people cleaning or arranging for me, but they didn't leave me much choice. It mostly got put away, and in record time.

So, as a refresher, here was the kitchen before:



And here is the kitchen now:


We intend to put in a back splash of small glass tiles all the way to the cabinets, so I didn't bother to paint the rest of it red, though I probably should have. Hindsight is always 20/20, ya know. I'll need to at least paint around the window. Maybe that will be my project this weekend. Of course now, I'm terrified of getting paint on the granite.

We spent Saturday evening with family, grilling (on Dan's grill for the first time in 2 years!) and hanging out on the patio. Yesterday, we cashed in our Groupon deal that I bought back in July for a 1 hour photo session. We met with the photographer in downtown Phoenix and had a lot of fun taking photos in the industrial areas and on the train tracks. I can't wait to see our proofs in about two weeks.

So that's about it for the weekend. It was a lot of work, with no rest for the the weary. I can't believe it's Monday again already. The only really awesome thing is that we should see the result of our awesome prank when my coworker tries to clip his nails sometime in the next couple of days. Unfortunately, Mrs. ESPN is leaving for a work trip today and I might have to witness it all alone. I just hope I can keep a straight face.

This party is a circus, literally

Step right up! Step right up, folks!! Witness this incredibly freak of nature, the amazing spoiled 6-year-old with a circus party! Oh, and her brother. There's a brother. This week's episode of Outrageous Kid Parties features the joint birthday party of almost-7 year-old Jasmine and her brother, Carson, who will be 9. Jasmine says "I'm spoiled" quite a bit, so this is sure to be good. Mom looks familiar though. I can't tell if it's because I saw the preview or if I've actually seen her somewhere. And then, they show Mom at work. She's a dentist... ::cue dream sequence:: a dentist. Teeth. Flippers. Toddlers and Tiaras!! This lady was on T&T, (one of) my other guilty pleasure(s). She's the crazy lady who cried a lot and kept yelling "Go, Jazzzzyyyy!" while her untalented child - really, because I'm an expert at judging reality show pageants by now - danced around on the stage doing the head bob fish face. My inner reality TV nerd is doing the Kip Dynamite "yesssss!" Okay, so maybe my outer nerd did it too, because Dan left the room house.

Anyway, now that my mind is officially blown at the very thought the best possible breeding of reality television shows I could have ever asked the Easter Bunny for, let's hear about the kids. Jasmine likes - shocking - pageants, dancing, and animals. Carson is a shy kid. This sounds familiar. But Mom thinks the party will be good for Carson. I'm having deja vu. Jasmine wants a princess party. Carson doesn't give a rat's behind what kind of party he has so long as there are monkeys. He looks slightly evil when he says this, like I'm not quite sure what exactly he wants from his monkeys. Somehow they decide on a circus party, because Mom always loved the circus. Methinks someone is throwing herself a party "for" her kids.

Ah, the budget talk. Mom wants to spend $30,000 (OMG) and explains that $30K in a small town is like $100K in a big city like New York. Okay, I'll go with you on that one, but the only party that should ever cost $30K in a small town is a huge wedding. We're talking about a party for elementary school kids here. Remember when I had my birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese? Or the skating rink? Man, what a sucker I was. Anyway, the concern with the huge budget is that it's freaking January and there's like 8 feet of snow on the ground. Or it might be 6 inches. I don't know because I live in Arizona and snow is snow to me. A huge budget and bad weather sound like a recipe for disaster. Deliciously entertaining disaster.

Mom and the kids meet up with the party planner, who has an odd name I can't remember. This lady looks completely unamused at the thought of planning a circus in the snow. Ooooh, Cirque de Snow-le. Jasmine wants animals. She wants a camel that spits in people's faces. Evil, I like it. She also wants cows, lizards, kitty cats, and dogs. Clearly, someone hasn't been educated on circus animals. Pshaw. She wants "every animal in the world except some," that "some" being snakes. Next up, costumes. What is it with these parties and costumes? What happened to just showing up and having fun? Now everyone has to look like they're part of a Broadway production to watch some rug rat blow out candles? Mom decides everyone will dress as a circus animal. Sounds great. Costumes: $4K. Reasonable.

Mom is stressed out about the fact that the party is in like a week and nothing is booked. Hello? How do you have a party "planned" in a week and don't even have anything picked or booked? Well, we can't bother with that now. Cake has to be chosen. The ginormous big top tent cake that Mom wants is going to cost $4K. Holy crap. Jasmine says she'll pay. Get a job sweetie. Yesterday. Shockingly, the party planner has now quit on Cirque de Snow-le. Mom cries while Jasmine sits at the table going "this party is mine mine mine mine mine." Mom bursts into tears and doesn't know how she'll ever do a party planner's job. Maybe she should just quit her job.

Oh, snap! Mom shuts down her dental practice for the week to plan her kids' party. How very responsible of her. "No, I'm sorry, Mr. Davis. Dr. Crazypants has shut down for the week and you'll have to live in pain from that broken tooth because no one ordered the clowns." Not to mention, her employees must be thrilled at the loss of income for the week. They'd better at least get invited to the party. I spoke too soon, again. Mom is full of solutions. She hired her dental assistant (who has some of the ugliest teeth I've ever seen) to be her assistant party planner. Faaaantastic.

So we've got the party planner set. Time to work on the circus. Mom gets ahold of some guy at the Cincinnati circus who will bring her an entire show for the great price of only $15K. Note to self: save for circus. She neglects to mention that there's 4 metres (I'm going for international appeal now) of snow on the ground. Now we need some animals. Mom takes the kids to meet Yvonne and Yvette, who appear to be twins. When I say "appear to be" I have to admit it took me a moment to realize that they were matching. I thought they were just your run of the mill look-alike lesbians for a minute. But no. Y&Y have matching faces and hair, and are wearing completely matching outfits: hot pink tops and black fuzzy vests. I wonder if they dress like this all the time, or they got gussied up for the cameras. Neither would surprise me, considering these ladies live in a house with 9 monkeys. This reminds me: "My Monkey Baby" was a great show. It shouldn't have been cancelled.

Lastly, the kids need to arrive at the party in style. What makes more sense than a fire truck? Carson actually looks pretty stoked, until Jazzy reminds him that this fire truck is "mine mine mine mine." She's like the seagulls from Finding Nemo. Only one major problem. Fire trucks aren't exactly equipped for snow, and the truck won't be able to get up their driveway. But Mom pulls through with a solution once again and decides to have the party at the armory. It pretty much looks like a high school gym. It's got good bones, but I see dollar signs if this place is going to look like a circus. Mom, of course, can't quite see the vision and starts crying again about how she'll need help with so much. Best quote of the year comes from Dad: "no one wants to see their wife get upset about things that are - I don't want to say they're not important - they are to her, I guess." This man is a saint.

Finally, party day has arrived. Mom calls all her friends to come help turn the armory gym into a circus tent. Dad has been running errands since 5am and didn't sleep all night. All I see is a room with a bunch of creepy balloon clowns. Jasmine refuses to help. Suddenly, the party that is "mine mine mine mine" is none of her responsibility. I spot a baton twirler and recognize her as Yvette or Yvonne. Seems like Mom's multi-tasking with the hired help. This is going against O.K.P. rules of frivolous money spending. I mentally issue a warning. In comes the camel and Mom dressed as a clown. I'm pretty sure she said earlier that there was no way she was coming dressed like that. And right behind her are 350 guests. 350?! I don't have that many friends on Facebook. All the guests - who aren't dressed up, so where'd the costumes go? - are waiting for Carson and Jasmine to arrive in the "mine mine mine" fire truck and they're late. So basically, Mom put her kids on a ginormous truck with a bunch of strangers on icy blizzardy roads for the sake of arriving in style. Awesome parenting.

Oh good, they're here. Now we can start the party. Carson and Jasmine ride in on a camel and Carson refuses to smile or wave. Jasmine reminds him that this party is "mine and sort of yours so you have to smile." I'm surprised she doesn't pay the camel to spit on people's faces. The show starts... yada yada blah blah blah. Clowns, tight rope walkers, whatever. You would think the looks on the guests' faces would be all "oooooh aaahhhh" but they're more like "what the ......" Carson only cares that there are nachos at this party. His mom could have thrown him a party at a nacho cart (do they have those?) and he would have been happy.

Oooooh, present time! My favorite. Seriously, I love trying to guess what it'll be. I have no ideas on this one. Holy shiz balls, it's a mini horse! And it's wearing a tiny mini horse jacket. I haven't seen a mini horse since Rob & Big. Carson looks pissed. Clearly, this gift is for Jasmine, Lover of All Animals Except Some. He looks like he's about to burn the place down.

Lastly, they gather around the cake. It's actually really cool. It's huge, and it has a train and little circus people and everything. Jasmine literally holds Carson back (this cake is "mine mine mine") from blowing out the candles. Jasmine gets the first piece, and Carson gets the sec.... Nope. Carson literally sits there all sad panda wondering if he is even going to get a piece of Jasmine's cake. It's like what you'd see if you could look back 40 years in the life of Milton Waddams. Now all his"I'm going to burn this circus down" vibes make sense.

Final party cost $29,873. Hey! That's under budget! Disqualified. And disappointing. That's only like $98,564 in New York City dollars.

"Mine mine mine mine"

The first weekend

This was the first weekend in our new house. It started early Friday morning when Dan left the apartment at 6am to drop The Girls off at my in-law's house and pick up the U-Haul and his friend who would be helping with the move. I, the lucky one, got to go to work all day and leave the heavy lifting to the boys. I also went in early so I could be done early. My new commute involves a lot of rush hour traffic, so Friday was the first day of my new 6:30-ish - 3pm schedule. I arrived at the house before Dan and the truck. It took him nearly 7 hours to load the truck and drive to the house. But the unloading went quickly. The guys hadn't eaten, so I left to get some pizza. By the time I got back, all the furniture was in the house. It only took 2 hours to unload. When my mother-in-law got home from work, I picked her and The Girls up and brought them over. Clover instantly got to digging. I got to work unloading what boxes I could without getting in the way. By 10pm, we'd started hanging pictures and hung out just enjoying being along in our first home. We sipped some wine and sat on the couch and discussed our redecoration plans.

Saturday was even busier. I had to go get a haircut in the old 'hood in the morning, then stopped at the apartment to pick up the few things Dan had left behind and ran a few errands. My dad came up in the afternoon to help with some projects. We all ran to Lowe's and picked up some new light fixtures. The previous owners were apparently obsessed with polished brass lighting. Not our style, at all. So we replaced the entry way and porch lights with silver fixtures that are more our taste. We also picked our paint colors and got to work. We spent Saturday night and all day Sunday painting. We painted until we couldn't see straight. Then we painted more.

Our kitchen went from boring white to red:

It's the same red we used in the apartment, just on a bigger scale.

The master bathroom went from this awful green and gold...

... to this warm "milk chocolate." Isn't it gorgeous?




The guest bathroom, also known as Dan's bathroom, is the same beautiful color. He chose it, and he won't let me forget it. "Isn't my color awesome?" Yes, honey, yes it is. I cannot emphasize enough how awful that green was. And it was everywhere. They painted everything green: the ceiling, the toilet paper holder, even the baseboards. Let me tell you what a pain it is to paint baseboards when they're already installed and touching your brand new carpet. We also replaced the light fixtures in both bathrooms. They used to have light bars with 5 plain ball bulbs that reminded me of hotel or something. So we switched them out for something prettier (I'll update with pics from the real camera later), and it really made as much difference as the paint.

Last night, we headed to Lowe's to "just look" at the appliances, although we'd already done that. They were having a sale that ended that night, and the range model that we'd liked but had been out of our budget was $200 off and now firmly in budget. Not to mention, the matching dishwasher was $100 off. We also had a 10% off coupon for being new home-buyers, which basically made the whole deal too good to pass up. So I currently have a stainless steel Frigidaire Gallery range sitting in my living room waiting for its home in the kitchen to be finished some time this week. The dishwasher should be here Wednesday. Renovation on the tile counter tops starts this evening, and we're hoping to be done Thursday. And then we'll be done with projects for a while.

It dawned on me that we'll have so many stories to tell our kids about our first weekend in the house. About how Dan taught me to mow the lawn with the lawnmower Dan's parents gave us that's missing a wheel. About how friends popped in here and there to see the place and congratulate us. About how I dripped red paint from the garage to the dining room and fast-acting Dan and the Spot Bot (seriously, love that thing) saved the day. About how my dad spent the whole weekend with us, doing almost nothing but painting and enjoying every minute with us. About how Paisley spent as much time in the yard as she could, literally soaking up the sun.

It was a weekend of wonderful firsts. I'm exhausted and sore from painting baseboards and badly in need of more hours in the day. I'm actually so excited to get home today and unpack more boxes. I couldn't have asked for a better first weekend.

Problem solving is WINNING

I'm pretty sure I mentioned that I have a coworker (whom I call by the code name Bile Chimps) who's completely socially inept and chooses his cubicle as his preferred place to groom himself. In case you don't know, the office is not the appropriate place to trim your nails. I can understand a broken nail or a cuticle that needs to be clipped, but I'm talking full on grooming. This coworker clips his nails at least once a week - all 10 fingers, one disgusting clip at a time. And it's loud. Mrs. ESPN and I exchange giggles and disgusted IMs every time he does it (he sits between us). The nastierst part, for me, is that his nails are still long. Like snort coke or strum a guitar with them long. And men should not have long nails. It's just... icky.

So anyway, we contemplated how to get it to stop. We considered rational actions like leaving an anonymous note or just saying something face-to-face. And then, the evil got the better of us and while Mrs. ESPN was on a business trip last week, the idea of super gluing them shut was presented to her. So this morning, before Bile got here, we attempted it. Unfortunately, there wasn't a significant contact point on the nail clippers to glue them (and trust me, I was disgusted by the fact that I had to touch them). Thankfully, though, we have other cunning coworkers who are equally annoyed by the clipping and who also have great ideas and evil sides. The solution? We glued them to the tray inside Bile's desk drawer.

WINNING. The only thing missing, as Mrs. ESPN pointed out, was "We're not gonna take it!" playing in the background.

Unfortunately, Bile goes to Vegas next week (which is another thing that we've been getting kicks out of all week - I've made a drinking game of doing accruing shots every time he mentions "Vegas"), and he just clipped yesterday, so we won't get to see the reaction until the week after. I have no clue how I'll keep a straight face if he says something, but it's bound to be epic.

The next time I'm in jail...

As I was driving into work this morning, a particular sign caught my eye. I couldn't take a picture of it because I was too busy texting - just kiiiiding, calm down, Mom - but I'll give you the gist. It looked kinda like this

IN JAIL?

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Hmmmmm. I'm trying to figure out who the target market is here. Clearly, if you're in jail, you're not driving down 24th St. in Phoenix and looking at this sign. Secondly, even if this sign were posted in a jail, is saving the recipient of your collect call 70% really on the top of the priority list? Do they even give you a choice? I wonder if people actually write down this number to keep handy for their next time in slammer. I can just imagine that the next time I'm in jail, the first thing I'll be thinking is "awwww, shoooooot!! I forgot that number to save Dan 70% on this call! Stupid!" Hopefully he'd still bail me out, but it's pretty questionable considering how thoughtless not saving him money was.

Are you weady to wock?!

It's time for another fun-filled episode of my new favorite show, Outrageous Kid Parties, where moms lie to dads, budgets are blown, and ridiculous is captured in birthday party form for all the world to see. I actually watched last week's episode too, but Blogger ate my recap when I pushed the "Publish" button. As my husband would say, "son of a..."

So anyway, this week features the Rock Star Party of 8-year-old Aniston. Aniston is the youngest of 3 children (one of whom is 18 and not in the house) and the only girl. As such, she's one spoiled little monster. She has a brother who is about 10 who really thinks highly of her, calling her "the most annoying person on the planet" and "spoiled brat." Ah, brotherly love. The best part of Aniston, aside for her affinity for getting her way, is her speech impediment. Aniston loves to tell everyone she's having a "wock staw pawty!" See, adorable. Now before you get all up on me for making fun of a kid, relax. The people on TV aren't real, and if they were, they can't hear me. So we're good. Aniston's mom, Cindy, admits she spoils the every-loving piss out of her only daughter. Aniston's dad travels for work and spends all his quality time with his family via Skype, leaving his wallet in the treacherous hands of his wife and daughter.

First, Aniston and Mom meet with the party planner for my favorite part, the budget discussion. Aniston wants a roller coaster, a Hummer limo, a red carpet, spinning lights, paparazzi and a fake tattoo artist. Seriously, they're going to pay someone to put stickers on the party guests. Oy. The party planner gives Mom the estimate: $10,000. Hmmmm. Mom seems to know this is way out of the budget. Dad's sure to be unhappy. But Aniston wants a Wock Staw Pawty so what choice does she have? Brother tells the camera that his last party was "like, $100" and Aniston gets this huge bash. Poor Brother. I have a feeling we're going to see him on an episode of Maury someday. Or Intervention. And at his intervention, everyone's letter will read "your addiction has affected Aniston's life negatively in the following ways..."

After meeting with the party planner, Mom feels she needs to unwind. What better way to do that than with her friends and a glass of wine? She says she needs to just chill and have the support of her friends. When Mom tells her friends the cost of Aniston's Wock Staw Pawty and how many people are going to be invited, they practically shoot wine out their noses from laughing so hard. Thank goodness these ladies have some sense about them. Not that Mom is going to listen, but at least someone stopped blowing smoke up her ass.

Oh, by the way, everywhere Aniston goes the entire episode, she struts. Like on a catwalk. It's kinda weird.

Aniston and her mom strut their way to a local bakery to pick out a cake. And not just any cake. A ridiculous spinning monstrosity with a $2,500 price tag. Mom says she knows she shouldn't be spending that much but "Aniston wants it so I have to get it for her." Ugh. Mom talks about how all she wanted to be as a little girl is a rock star, and she's going to turn her kid into one. Apparently, she's not concerned about turning her kid into an entitled little witch, but hey. Priorities. After the cake tasting, Aniston goes to a studio for a lesson to really learn how to work the catwalk. It's ridiculous. Tyra would not be pleased. I see no smising, her rhythm is off, and what is she doing with those arms? She looks like a drunk T-Rex. Brother, ever the sensible one, exclaims that this is all ridiculous. So he gets up and does the best ever impersonation of his sister's catwalk. Hilarious. At this point, Dan walked in from cleaning my car (swoon, he luffs me) and smacked his forehead before proceeding to the kitchen for a beer. This show should come with free beer for all viewers. Note to TLC.

Houston, we have a problem. The homeowners association is not happy. They even called Dad on The Road and told him about potential fines. He Skypes Mom to ask what's going on and she plays dumb. Just then, Aniston and her brother come shrieking (literally, these kids are so loud) into the room. Brother screams into the Skype camera that his mom is spending a ton of money. Aniston is talking about her Hummer limo for the Wock Staw Pawty. Dad's all "well, maybe I should come home and see what's going on?" Ya think? Mom brushes it off and hurriedly hangs up. A little later, Mom is talking to the HOA lady about the party. The HOA is going to put the "cab-osh" on this party. Mom asks what would happen if they do it anyway. Answer: they could get evicted. Uh oh. So Mom runs to her best friend, who offers to throw the party at her house. Only issue, Mom doesn't exactly tell her everything she's got planned. Trouble be brewing.

It's Wock Staw Pawty Day!! Aniston has a rock star make over: makeup, hair, facial, fake tattoo, nails, the whole shebang, to the tune of.... $1,500. ::record scratch:: Fifteen hundred dollars? My whole bridal party got hair and makeup done for like a third of that. And also, she's 8! That's not even a Benjamin for every year of her life. Not to mention, I've never even had a facial. I'm sure it did wondres for her - she probably doesn't look a day over 7 and a half. Why not Botox? Yeeeesh. And all they did is put brightly colored doll hair in her ponytail (which Clover barked at). She looks like a giant Bratz doll, which is very fitting. Birthday Brat strutted her way to her limo, threatening that anyone who got in her way couldn't ride in it to the Wock Staw Pawty.

Aniston is greeted by screaming friends, a ferris wheel, blow up bounce houses, and a father who doesn't look too pleased about all this. Hey Dad, maybe it's time to retire from The Road and do the parenting thing from the house instead of via Skype? Aniston does a performance that made my ears bleed and the night ended with fireworks. I don't even remember what she got for her birthday because really, it's probably insane and I've frankly tuned out. Final Wock Staw Pawty pwice tag: $29,800.

Honestly, this episode is both hilarious and sad. I feel really awful for the brother, who obviosly is on the wrong end up some pretty ridiculous favoritism from his mom. I know I joked about him being on Intervention, but honestly, I could see it. At the very least, I'm sure he'll need some therapy down the road. And Aniston? What a piece of work she's gonna be. You have to tell your kids "no" now and then. They'll live. No child ever literally died because they didn't get their way. Look, I can understand wanting a kid and wanting to give them everything, but at what cost? This mother is raising a holy terror who is unlikely to be able to handle the adversities in life without turning to destructive behaviors. Come to think of it, that's like a lot of rock stars, so maybe this really is a perfect fit. Gosh darn it, I got all thoughtful and stuff.

Wock on!!