This party is a circus, literally

Step right up! Step right up, folks!! Witness this incredibly freak of nature, the amazing spoiled 6-year-old with a circus party! Oh, and her brother. There's a brother. This week's episode of Outrageous Kid Parties features the joint birthday party of almost-7 year-old Jasmine and her brother, Carson, who will be 9. Jasmine says "I'm spoiled" quite a bit, so this is sure to be good. Mom looks familiar though. I can't tell if it's because I saw the preview or if I've actually seen her somewhere. And then, they show Mom at work. She's a dentist... ::cue dream sequence:: a dentist. Teeth. Flippers. Toddlers and Tiaras!! This lady was on T&T, (one of) my other guilty pleasure(s). She's the crazy lady who cried a lot and kept yelling "Go, Jazzzzyyyy!" while her untalented child - really, because I'm an expert at judging reality show pageants by now - danced around on the stage doing the head bob fish face. My inner reality TV nerd is doing the Kip Dynamite "yesssss!" Okay, so maybe my outer nerd did it too, because Dan left the room house.

Anyway, now that my mind is officially blown at the very thought the best possible breeding of reality television shows I could have ever asked the Easter Bunny for, let's hear about the kids. Jasmine likes - shocking - pageants, dancing, and animals. Carson is a shy kid. This sounds familiar. But Mom thinks the party will be good for Carson. I'm having deja vu. Jasmine wants a princess party. Carson doesn't give a rat's behind what kind of party he has so long as there are monkeys. He looks slightly evil when he says this, like I'm not quite sure what exactly he wants from his monkeys. Somehow they decide on a circus party, because Mom always loved the circus. Methinks someone is throwing herself a party "for" her kids.

Ah, the budget talk. Mom wants to spend $30,000 (OMG) and explains that $30K in a small town is like $100K in a big city like New York. Okay, I'll go with you on that one, but the only party that should ever cost $30K in a small town is a huge wedding. We're talking about a party for elementary school kids here. Remember when I had my birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese? Or the skating rink? Man, what a sucker I was. Anyway, the concern with the huge budget is that it's freaking January and there's like 8 feet of snow on the ground. Or it might be 6 inches. I don't know because I live in Arizona and snow is snow to me. A huge budget and bad weather sound like a recipe for disaster. Deliciously entertaining disaster.

Mom and the kids meet up with the party planner, who has an odd name I can't remember. This lady looks completely unamused at the thought of planning a circus in the snow. Ooooh, Cirque de Snow-le. Jasmine wants animals. She wants a camel that spits in people's faces. Evil, I like it. She also wants cows, lizards, kitty cats, and dogs. Clearly, someone hasn't been educated on circus animals. Pshaw. She wants "every animal in the world except some," that "some" being snakes. Next up, costumes. What is it with these parties and costumes? What happened to just showing up and having fun? Now everyone has to look like they're part of a Broadway production to watch some rug rat blow out candles? Mom decides everyone will dress as a circus animal. Sounds great. Costumes: $4K. Reasonable.

Mom is stressed out about the fact that the party is in like a week and nothing is booked. Hello? How do you have a party "planned" in a week and don't even have anything picked or booked? Well, we can't bother with that now. Cake has to be chosen. The ginormous big top tent cake that Mom wants is going to cost $4K. Holy crap. Jasmine says she'll pay. Get a job sweetie. Yesterday. Shockingly, the party planner has now quit on Cirque de Snow-le. Mom cries while Jasmine sits at the table going "this party is mine mine mine mine mine." Mom bursts into tears and doesn't know how she'll ever do a party planner's job. Maybe she should just quit her job.

Oh, snap! Mom shuts down her dental practice for the week to plan her kids' party. How very responsible of her. "No, I'm sorry, Mr. Davis. Dr. Crazypants has shut down for the week and you'll have to live in pain from that broken tooth because no one ordered the clowns." Not to mention, her employees must be thrilled at the loss of income for the week. They'd better at least get invited to the party. I spoke too soon, again. Mom is full of solutions. She hired her dental assistant (who has some of the ugliest teeth I've ever seen) to be her assistant party planner. Faaaantastic.

So we've got the party planner set. Time to work on the circus. Mom gets ahold of some guy at the Cincinnati circus who will bring her an entire show for the great price of only $15K. Note to self: save for circus. She neglects to mention that there's 4 metres (I'm going for international appeal now) of snow on the ground. Now we need some animals. Mom takes the kids to meet Yvonne and Yvette, who appear to be twins. When I say "appear to be" I have to admit it took me a moment to realize that they were matching. I thought they were just your run of the mill look-alike lesbians for a minute. But no. Y&Y have matching faces and hair, and are wearing completely matching outfits: hot pink tops and black fuzzy vests. I wonder if they dress like this all the time, or they got gussied up for the cameras. Neither would surprise me, considering these ladies live in a house with 9 monkeys. This reminds me: "My Monkey Baby" was a great show. It shouldn't have been cancelled.

Lastly, the kids need to arrive at the party in style. What makes more sense than a fire truck? Carson actually looks pretty stoked, until Jazzy reminds him that this fire truck is "mine mine mine mine." She's like the seagulls from Finding Nemo. Only one major problem. Fire trucks aren't exactly equipped for snow, and the truck won't be able to get up their driveway. But Mom pulls through with a solution once again and decides to have the party at the armory. It pretty much looks like a high school gym. It's got good bones, but I see dollar signs if this place is going to look like a circus. Mom, of course, can't quite see the vision and starts crying again about how she'll need help with so much. Best quote of the year comes from Dad: "no one wants to see their wife get upset about things that are - I don't want to say they're not important - they are to her, I guess." This man is a saint.

Finally, party day has arrived. Mom calls all her friends to come help turn the armory gym into a circus tent. Dad has been running errands since 5am and didn't sleep all night. All I see is a room with a bunch of creepy balloon clowns. Jasmine refuses to help. Suddenly, the party that is "mine mine mine mine" is none of her responsibility. I spot a baton twirler and recognize her as Yvette or Yvonne. Seems like Mom's multi-tasking with the hired help. This is going against O.K.P. rules of frivolous money spending. I mentally issue a warning. In comes the camel and Mom dressed as a clown. I'm pretty sure she said earlier that there was no way she was coming dressed like that. And right behind her are 350 guests. 350?! I don't have that many friends on Facebook. All the guests - who aren't dressed up, so where'd the costumes go? - are waiting for Carson and Jasmine to arrive in the "mine mine mine" fire truck and they're late. So basically, Mom put her kids on a ginormous truck with a bunch of strangers on icy blizzardy roads for the sake of arriving in style. Awesome parenting.

Oh good, they're here. Now we can start the party. Carson and Jasmine ride in on a camel and Carson refuses to smile or wave. Jasmine reminds him that this party is "mine and sort of yours so you have to smile." I'm surprised she doesn't pay the camel to spit on people's faces. The show starts... yada yada blah blah blah. Clowns, tight rope walkers, whatever. You would think the looks on the guests' faces would be all "oooooh aaahhhh" but they're more like "what the ......" Carson only cares that there are nachos at this party. His mom could have thrown him a party at a nacho cart (do they have those?) and he would have been happy.

Oooooh, present time! My favorite. Seriously, I love trying to guess what it'll be. I have no ideas on this one. Holy shiz balls, it's a mini horse! And it's wearing a tiny mini horse jacket. I haven't seen a mini horse since Rob & Big. Carson looks pissed. Clearly, this gift is for Jasmine, Lover of All Animals Except Some. He looks like he's about to burn the place down.

Lastly, they gather around the cake. It's actually really cool. It's huge, and it has a train and little circus people and everything. Jasmine literally holds Carson back (this cake is "mine mine mine") from blowing out the candles. Jasmine gets the first piece, and Carson gets the sec.... Nope. Carson literally sits there all sad panda wondering if he is even going to get a piece of Jasmine's cake. It's like what you'd see if you could look back 40 years in the life of Milton Waddams. Now all his"I'm going to burn this circus down" vibes make sense.

Final party cost $29,873. Hey! That's under budget! Disqualified. And disappointing. That's only like $98,564 in New York City dollars.

"Mine mine mine mine"